Concept
Empathic Statements
Empathic statements are short replies that reflect back what another person seems to feel or has just said, such as 'so it's been a long week', which Jack Schafer recommends because they keep the focus on the other person and show that you understood.
Most of us respond to what someone tells us by talking about ourselves: a similar experience, an opinion, advice. Schafer suggests a different reply. Take what the person said or showed and hand it back in your own words, without judging it: 'Sounds like the move took more out of you than you expected.' 'So you're stuck between two deadlines.' The formula is simple: the other person, plus a reflection of their state or situation. It works because it proves listening rather than claiming it, and because people tend to like those who make them feel understood. It also costs the speaker nothing to correct you, which keeps the conversation going. The technique sits close to labeling in negotiation and to empathic listening in counselling. Schafer adds one caution: an empathic statement that sounds rehearsed, or is used only to extract something, will be felt as manipulation. Use it when you are actually trying to understand.
A real-life example
At a pharmacy in Trabzon, a customer, Bayram Bey, is angry that his prescription is not ready. The pharmacist, Seda, resists explaining the supplier problem first. She says, 'So you made a special trip and now you have to come back.' He nods, the edge goes out of his voice, and he listens when she offers to have it delivered that evening.
How to use it
- 1In your next conversation, catch the urge to answer with your own story or advice.
- 2Reflect back what the other person seems to feel or face, in one short sentence.
- 3Let them correct or expand it, and only then add your view.