Concept
Interpersonal problems
In Adlerian psychology, interpersonal problems refers to the claim that the worries weighing on us, whether about money, looks or work, are underneath worries about how particular other people will see us.
Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, speaking for Alfred Adler, put it bluntly: all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. It sounds too sweeping. Held as a belief, it is easy to nod at and hard to use. Treated as a tool, it earns its keep. A money worry is rarely about the number itself. It is about what your partner, your parents or your old classmates will think of the number. A worry about your looks usually has an audience of one or two people in mind. Try a quick check: if you lived alone on an island, how much of the worry would survive? Naming the person changes the work. You stop trying to fix a vague feeling and start looking at a specific relationship. There you can ask what is actually yours to handle and what belongs to the other person. Not every pain fits the frame; illness and grief do not. But a surprising share of everyday anxiety does.
A real-life example
Maya earns well but loses sleep over not owning a flat at 34. She runs the test: if her older brother, the family's success story, could never learn what she owns, how much of the worry would remain? Honestly, about a fifth. The rest was a quiet contest with him. The fifth that remained was real: rent rising faster than her salary. She could plan for that. The contest she could simply stop entering.
How to use it
- 1Pick one worry that feels private and write it down in a single sentence.
- 2Ask: if one specific person could never find out about this, how much of the worry would be left? Write down the name and a rough percentage.
- 3Split what remains. Handle the practical part yourself, and treat the rest as a question about that relationship, not about your worth.