Concept
Life-Lie
A life-lie is the excuse we build out of a real or imagined shortcoming so that we never have to try the thing we say we want.
The term comes from Alfred Adler, and Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga made it widely known in The Courage to Be Disliked. Start with what it is not. Feeling behind your own ideal is normal and often useful, because that gap sends people to practise, study and ask for help. The trouble begins when the gap stops being a measure and becomes an alibi: “I’d apply, but I’m not qualified enough.” “I’d date, but I’m too shy.” The shortcoming may even be true. What makes it a lie is the job it does: it protects us from finding out what happens if we try and fall short. Adler’s uncomfortable point is that we often choose the excuse first, then lean on the flaw to justify it. The test is simple: does this feeling move you toward the goal, or give you permission to stay put?
A real-life example
Maya, 31, has wanted to run a small cooking channel for three years. Her line is always the same: “My kitchen is tiny and I’m awkward on camera.” Both are true. Then a friend offered to lend her a bigger, brighter kitchen, and Maya found a new reason: the lighting. The flaw kept moving because its real job never changed. It kept her from posting a video that strangers might judge.
How to use it
- 1Finish the sentence “I would ___, but ___.” Write down every version you catch yourself saying this week.
- 2For each one, ask: if this obstacle vanished tomorrow, would I actually start? If the honest answer is no, the obstacle is not the real reason.
- 3Pick one step you can take with the flaw still in place, such as one rough video, one application or one conversation, and take it within 48 hours.