“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.”

Why it was said

Marshall Rosenberg writes this in the chapter of Nonviolent Communication on expressing anger fully. His argument there is that other people's actions may be the stimulus for anger but not its cause; the cause is how we think about what happened, and underneath that judgment sits a need of our own.

What it actually means

Rosenberg treats anger as a signal, not a verdict. When you are angry, your attention is fixed on what the other person did wrong, and the heat makes that feel like the whole story. His suggestion is to look one step further in: what did I need here that I did not get? Respect, rest, fairness, being included. Finding the need does not mean swallowing the anger. It means you can say something the other person can actually respond to. 'You are so careless' starts a fight. 'I need to be able to rely on the deadlines we agree' opens a conversation about what to do next.

How to use it

1. 1Next time you are angry, finish this sentence before you speak: 'I am angry because I need...'
2. 2Translate one judgment into a need: replace 'he never listens' with the thing you wanted from the conversation.
3. 3When Selin comes home in Kadıköy to a kitchen full of dishes again, she says 'I need the evenings to feel shared' instead of 'you never help'; the second sentence would have started the usual argument.