Nonviolent Communication
Marshall B. Rosenberg
Nonviolent Communication is Marshall Rosenberg's four-step method for saying hard things so they can be heard: state what you observed without evaluating it, say what you feel, name the need behind the feeling, and make a specific request the other person is free to refuse. Its claim is that most conflict comes from people expressing unmet needs as judgements. Hearing the need under a complaint, whether yours or someone else's, ends more arguments than any reply to the words. Developed in mediation, it is used in families, classrooms, prisons and workplaces.
Your complaint will come out as 'you always' and be heard as an attack. A mediator who spent decades between people who could not talk reduced the alternative to four steps that take twenty seconds.
The book in essence
Rosenberg, a clinical psychologist and student of Carl Rogers, spent his career mediating in conflicts from schools to war zones and saw the same pattern again and again: people express needs as judgements of others, and judgements are heard as attacks. His method separates four things that ordinary speech blends. Observation: what happened, in terms a camera would record, without the evaluation that rides on it. Feeling: a feeling word, distinguished from thoughts disguised as feelings. Need: the universal need under the feeling (such as respect, safety, rest or contribution), which is never about a specific person doing a specific thing. Request: a concrete, present-tense, doable action, which is a request only if no is an acceptable answer. The same four steps run in reverse as empathy: hearing the observation, feeling, need and request behind someone else's judgement of you. Rosenberg's harder claim is that anger signals an unmet need: other people's actions may trigger it, but our own judgements cause it.
First published in 1999, with expanded editions in 2003 and 2015, the book is written in Rosenberg's own plain register, with dialogues from his mediations, and has been translated into more than thirty languages.
Who it's for
- Anyone whose complaints come out as 'you always' or 'you never'
- Managers, teachers and parents who want to correct without attacking
- People who want to hear the need under an angry colleague's words instead of answering the words
Who it's not for
- — Readers who want a workplace script; the register is personal and some of the examples are intimate
- — Anyone who finds the vocabulary of needs and feelings uncomfortable; the method depends on using it
Key lessons
01
Observe without evaluating
'You sent the report at 6pm' is an observation; 'you sent it late again' is an evaluation, and evaluations are heard as attacks. Strip the judgement out and there is nothing to defend against.
A clinic manager replaces 'you never deliver on time' with 'the last three deliveries arrived on Wednesday instead of Monday'. The supplier stops defending and starts explaining.
02
Name the need, not the person
Under every feeling is a universal need: reliability, clarity, rest, respect. Saying the need instead of the judgement gives the other person something to meet rather than something to deny.
'I need to know the vaccines are in the fridge before the Tuesday clinic' gets a yes where 'this is unacceptable' got silence.
03
Make requests, not demands
A request is only a request if the other person can say no without punishment. If you would sulk or retaliate at a no, it was a demand, and they heard it as one before you finished.
'Would you be willing to text me on Friday if Monday is at risk?' leaves the supplier free, and he adds information he would not have volunteered under a demand.
04
Hear the need under the complaint
The four steps run in reverse as empathy. Behind 'you always change the schedule' is a need to plan evenings; say that back and the argument usually ends before it starts.
A nurse angry about a shift change hears 'so you need to be able to get your son to school on Thursday' and says 'yes, exactly'. The fix takes a minute.
Try this today
Take one complaint you have and write it in four lines: what you observed, what you felt, what you need, and a specific request the other person could refuse. Say it this week.
Quick check
What are the four steps?
What distinguishes a request from a demand?
Selected quotes
“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”
“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.”