Quote
“The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.”— Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan & Al Switzler, in Crucial Conversations (2002) · Crucial Conversations →
Why it was said
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler call this the sucker's choice. It appears in the chapter on starting with heart, where the authors ask what you really want from a conversation before you open your mouth.
What it actually means
Under stress the mind offers two options, honesty that wounds or kindness that hides, and most people pick one and pay for it. The authors' whole method is the third option they say we stop seeing when we feel unsafe: a way to say the true thing while keeping the conversation safe enough that it can be heard. The sentence is a diagnosis of why hard conversations fail before they begin.
How to use it
- 1When you feel forced to choose between honest and kind, name it as the sucker's choice and look for the third option.
- 2Write the purpose you both share before the conversation; it is what makes honesty safe.