Concept
The Feeling of Importance
The Feeling of Importance is Dale Carnegie's name for one of the deepest human needs, the wish to matter, and for his principle of making the other person feel important, sincerely, through small courtesies, credit for their work and real requests for their opinion.
Carnegie builds How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936) on one claim about human nature. He cites the philosopher John Dewey's view that the deepest urge in people is the desire to be important, and argues that a great deal of human effort is an attempt to satisfy it. Most people's working days feed this need very little, which is why anyone who does feed it stands out. Carnegie's rule is to make the other person feel important, and the word he insists on is sincerely: flattery tries to buy the feeling cheaply, and people detect it. The sincere version is mostly small. It is saying 'sorry to trouble you' and 'thank you' and meaning both; crediting a colleague by name for the idea you are presenting; asking someone for their opinion on a question where it actually counts. Carnegie tells of complimenting a bored post office clerk, honestly, on his fine head of hair, and watching the man brighten. He frames the principle as the golden rule applied to everyday conversation: give others the appreciation you would want for yourself. It costs nothing, and its absence is remembered for years.
A real-life example
Sinan owns a restaurant in Eskişehir and is planning a new autumn menu. Before deciding, he sits down with Bekir, the cook who has worked the grill for twelve years, and asks which dishes guests actually finish. Bekir's answer changes two items on the list. At the menu launch, Sinan tells the staff that the lamb dish is Bekir's idea and writes his name next to it on the kitchen board. Bekir, who had been talking about leaving, stays.
How to use it
- 1Credit one person by name today, in front of others, for a specific contribution.
- 2Ask someone's opinion on a decision their answer can really change, and tell them afterwards what you did with it.
- 3Use the small courtesies, 'please', 'thank you' and 'sorry to trouble you', with the people you usually rush past.