Concept
Horizontal Relationships
Horizontal relationships are Alfred Adler's idea that people relate best as equals with different roles rather than as superiors and inferiors, so plain thanks and encouragement replace praise and rebuke, which both quietly rank the other person below us.
In The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga present a claim of Alfred Adler's that sounds almost rude: praising someone is a polite way of standing above them. When you say “good job” to a child, a junior colleague or a partner, you take the judge's seat and grade the performance. Rebuke sits on the same ladder, only pointed down. In both cases one person evaluates and the other is evaluated. Over time, the evaluated person starts working for your verdict instead of their own choices. A horizontal relationship keeps the roles of parent, manager and mentor but drops the ranking. You may have more experience or authority, but that does not give you more worth. The practical tools are small. Thanks names a real contribution. Encouragement trusts the other person to own what comes next. Neither requires you to judge.
A real-life example
Mira's junior colleague, Dev, sends her a clean first draft of a client report. Her reflex is to reply “Great work, you're really improving!” Instead she writes: “Thanks, this saved me an afternoon, and the summary section is exactly what the client asked for. What would you change if you had another hour?” Dev hears about his contribution, not a grade, and the next decision stays his.
How to use it
- 1Catch your verdict words. For one week, notice each time you say “good job,” “well done” or “that's wrong” to someone younger or more junior than you.
- 2Swap the grade for thanks. Name what their action actually contributed to you or the team: “Thanks, that helped me…”
- 3End on their choice, not yours. Ask what they want to try next, then leave the decision with them.