Concept
Request, not demand
A request is a request only if the other person can say no without punishment. If you would sulk, retaliate or escalate at a no, it was a demand, and Rosenberg's point is that they heard it as one before you finished the sentence.
The distinction is not in the wording; 'would you be willing to' can be a demand and a blunt sentence can be a request. It is in what happens after a no. Rosenberg notes that people who hear a demand see only two options, submission or rebellion: submission breeds resentment, rebellion breeds conflict, and neither produces the thing you wanted done well. A genuine request leaves the other person free, and people who feel free often volunteer what a cornered person keeps back: information, alternatives, a better idea. The test to run before you speak: what will I do if they say no? If the honest answer is punish, rewrite.
A real-life example
A manager asks a designer, 'Would you be willing to send the draft by Thursday instead of Monday?' The designer says no: Thursday would mean skipping the user test. Because it was a request, the manager asks what would make an earlier date possible, and they agree to send the tested screens on Thursday and the rest on Monday.
How to use it
- 1Before you ask, decide what you will do if they say no; if it is punish, it is a demand.
- 2Make the request specific and doable: an action, a time.
- 3When they say no, ask what would make yes possible instead of pressing.