Concept
Request, not demand
A request is a request only if the other person can say no without punishment. If you would sulk, retaliate or escalate at a no, it was a demand, and Rosenberg's point is that they heard it as one before you finished the sentence.
The distinction is not in the wording; 'would you be willing to' can be a demand and a blunt sentence can be a request. It is in what happens after a no. Demands are heard as threats and produce either submission, which breeds resentment, or rebellion, which breeds conflict, and neither produces the thing you wanted done well. Genuine requests leave the other person free, and Rosenberg observed that people given that freedom volunteer more than people who are cornered, including information and alternatives that a demand would never have surfaced. The test to run before you speak: what will I do if they say no? If the honest answer is punish, rewrite.
A real-life example
'Would you be willing to text me on Friday if Monday delivery is at risk?' leaves a supplier free to say no. He says yes, and adds that Monday delivery was never actually confirmed, which no demand would have surfaced.
How to use it
- 1Before you ask, decide what you will do if they say no; if it is punish, it is a demand.
- 2Make the request specific and doable: an action, a time.
- 3When they say no, ask what would make yes possible instead of pressing.