Concept
Psychological Distance
Psychological distance is the practice of mentally stepping back from a hurtful person or moment, by watching it as a curious observer, imagining how it will look in a year, or seeing the behaviour as their problem rather than a verdict on you, so that it does less damage.
When you cannot get physically away from someone who treats you badly, Sutton recommends getting away in your head. Psychologists call the underlying move reappraisal or distancing, and research on it suggests that how we frame an event changes how much it hurts. Sutton's versions are practical. Pretend you are an anthropologist studying a strange tribe, and note the person's behaviour as data. Travel in time: ask whether this will matter in a week, a year, five years. Depersonalise: recognise that the person treats many people this way, so it says more about them than about you. Some people even find humour in it, privately keeping a record of the absurd things said. None of these changes the other person. They change the size of the event inside you, which protects your judgement, your sleep and your work while you decide on other moves. Distance is a way of staying intact, not a reason to accept mistreatment indefinitely.
A real-life example
Zehra, a nurse in Konya, works under a senior doctor who snaps at the team during ward rounds. She cannot change wards this year. She starts treating the rounds as field research: in her notebook she records each outburst, the time and what preceded it. The outbursts continue, but they stop following her home, and her notes later become the evidence for a formal complaint.
How to use it
- 1In the next tense moment with the person, silently describe what they are doing as an observer would.
- 2Ask yourself how much this will matter in a year.
- 3Remind yourself that their behaviour is a pattern they bring to many people, not a judgement of you.