Concept
Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation in a hard conversation is noticing and naming your own feelings early enough that they inform what you say instead of leaking into it as sarcasm, stubbornness or silence.
Stone, Patton and Heen argue in Difficult Conversations that every difficult exchange contains a feelings conversation whether or not anyone mentions it, and that unspoken feelings do not stay unspoken; they surface as tone. Regulation is not suppression. It is the small, repeatable move of naming the feeling to yourself, and often to the other person, before it drives the response: 'I notice I am getting defensive.' William Ury calls the same move going to the balcony. What people get wrong is believing that professionals keep feelings out of it. The skilled ones bring feelings in on purpose, early and neutrally, which is exactly what stops them from running the room.
A real-life example
A manager feels her jaw tighten as a report is criticised in front of the team. Instead of the sharp reply forming in her mouth, she says: 'I notice I'm feeling defensive about this, so let me make sure I've understood the concern.' The temperature drops, and the critique turns out to be about one section.
How to use it
- 1Before a hard conversation, write which feeling is most likely to show up in you and what it usually makes you do.
- 2In the moment, name it in one sentence, to yourself or out loud, before you answer.
- 3If naming it is not enough, take the pause: a glass of water, a bathroom break, a request to continue in ten minutes.