Quote
“People almost never change without first feeling understood.”
— Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen, in Difficult Conversations (1999) · Difficult Conversations →
Why it was said
The line comes from the chapter of Difficult Conversations on arguing about who is right. Stone, Patton and Heen argue that listening is not a courtesy you perform before making your point; it is what makes the other person able to hear your point at all.
What it actually means
We usually try to change someone's mind by explaining our own view better: more clearly, more firmly, one more time. The line says the order is backwards. As long as a person feels unheard, their energy goes into repeating themselves and guarding their position, and there is no room left to consider yours. Feeling understood is not the same as being agreed with; you can reflect someone's view accurately and still disagree with it. But once people hear their own view said back fairly, they tend to relax, and movement becomes possible on both sides. Understanding is not the reward at the end of the conversation. It is the entry fee.
How to use it
- 1Before you argue your case, restate the other person's view until they say 'yes, that's it'. Only then make your point.
- 2With a teenager who refuses to study, spend the first ten minutes asking what school feels like to them, without correcting anything; the talk about homework goes better afterwards.
- 3Keep the two sentences apart: 'I understand why you see it that way' is not 'you are right', and you can say the first honestly.