“Self-awareness, recognizing a feeling as it happens, is the keystone of emotional intelligence.”

Why it was said

Daniel Goleman writes this where he lays out the domains that make up emotional intelligence, building on the psychologist Peter Salovey's framework. Knowing one's own emotions comes first on the list, and this line explains why: the other abilities, from managing moods to reading other people, depend on it.

What it actually means

The key words are "as it happens". Most of us can name what we felt yesterday; far fewer can name it while it is running the conversation. Goleman's point is that an emotion you have not noticed is not neutral. It still steers what you say and decide, only without your permission. Noticing does not mean suppressing. It means creating a small gap between feeling and acting, the moment in which you can say "I am irritated" instead of simply behaving irritably. Every other emotional skill needs that gap. You cannot calm an anger you have not registered, and you cannot read someone else's mood well while your own is running unseen.

How to use it

1. 1Set two or three fixed moments a day, before a meeting or after a hard email, to name what you feel in one word.
2. 2When you notice a sharp reaction, name the feeling to yourself before you reply, "this is frustration", then decide what to do with it.
3. 3At the end of a difficult day, trace one decision back to the emotion that was steering it.