“Be soft on the people, hard on the problem.”

Why it was said

Roger Fisher and William Ury use this line in the table that closes the first chapter of Getting to Yes, where principled negotiation is set against soft and hard bargaining. Hard bargainers attack both the person and the problem; soft bargainers give way on both. The next chapter, 'Separate the People from the Problem', develops the answer: split them.

What it actually means

Many negotiations go wrong because people treat toughness as a single dial. Turn it up and you damage the relationship while defending your position; turn it down and you protect the relationship by surrendering the substance. Fisher and Ury argue the dial is really two. You can be generous, respectful and genuinely curious toward the person, and at the same time unbending about the merits: the facts, the standards, the interests at stake. Separating them is what lets you hold a firm number without it being an act of hostility, and hear a hard no without it being a personal wound.

How to use it

1. 1Before a difficult conversation, write two lists: what you want for the relationship, and what you want on the substance. Keep them apart in the room.
2. 2When the other side attacks you, answer the problem, not the attack: 'Let's look at what the numbers say.'
3. 3Make concessions to the person freely, such as time, tone and acknowledgement, and none to the problem without something in return.