Concept
Observation, feeling, need, request
Marshall Rosenberg's four steps for saying a hard thing so it can be heard: state what you observed without evaluating it, say what you feel, name the universal need behind the feeling, and make a specific request the other person is free to refuse.
Each step removes a reason to defend. An observation, 'the last three deliveries arrived on Wednesday', is something a camera would record and cannot be argued with; 'you never deliver on time' is an evaluation and is heard as an attack. A feeling belongs to the speaker. A need, reliability, clarity, rest, respect, is something everyone has and gives the other person something to meet rather than deny. A request, if it is really one, leaves them free. The sequence sounds stilted on paper and works in a room, and it runs in reverse as empathy: behind anyone's complaint is an observation, a feeling, a need and a request, and hearing the need ends most arguments faster than answering the words.
A real-life example
'The last three deliveries arrived on Wednesday instead of Monday. I get anxious, because I need to know the vaccines are in the fridge before the Tuesday clinic. Would you text me on Friday if Monday is at risk?' The supplier says yes and adds that Monday was never confirmed.
How to use it
- 1Strip the evaluation from the observation: a time, a count, a quote.
- 2Say the need in one universal word.
- 3Make a request the other person could refuse without penalty.