Concept
Observation, feeling, need, request
Marshall Rosenberg's four steps for saying a hard thing so it can be heard: state what you observed without evaluating it, say what you feel, name the universal need behind the feeling, and make a specific request the other person is free to refuse.
Each step removes a reason to defend. An observation, 'the last three deliveries arrived on Wednesday', is something a camera would record and cannot be argued with; 'you never deliver on time' is an evaluation and is heard as an attack. A feeling belongs to the speaker. A need (such as reliability, clarity, rest or respect) is something everyone has, and it gives the other person something to meet rather than deny. A request, if it is genuinely one, leaves them free. The sequence sounds stilted on paper and works in a room, and it runs in reverse as empathy: behind anyone's complaint is an observation, a feeling, a need and a request, and hearing the need ends most arguments faster than answering the words.
A real-life example
To a colleague who keeps booking meetings over lunch: 'Three of this week's meetings were set for 12:30. I feel drained by mid-afternoon, because I need a real break in the middle of the day. Would you be willing to book after 13:30 when you can?' She says yes, and explains that the shared calendar showed the lunch hour as free.
How to use it
- 1Strip the evaluation from the observation: a time, a count, a quote.
- 2Say the need in one universal word.
- 3Make a request the other person could refuse without penalty.