Quote
“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”
— Dale Carnegie, in How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936) · How to Win Friends and Influence People →
Why it was said
This is the first principle in Part Three of How to Win Friends and Influence People, the section on winning people to your way of thinking. Carnegie opens that section with it because, in his view, an argument is the fastest way to lose the very person you are trying to persuade.
What it actually means
Carnegie's reasoning is simple and a little uncomfortable. If you lose an argument, you have lost. If you win it, you have made the other person feel wrong in front of others, and they will usually hold on to their view harder to recover their pride. Either way, you have not changed a mind. Avoiding the argument does not mean giving up your position; it means refusing the format of a contest, where someone has to be defeated. The alternative is slower: listen, find the points you agree on, and let the other person reach the conclusion without having to admit defeat.
How to use it
- 1When you feel a debate starting, ask one genuine question about the other person's view before stating yours.
- 2Name the points you agree on first, out loud, so the conversation stops being a contest.
- 3If you realise you are arguing to win rather than to understand, suggest continuing the discussion the next day.