“Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow.”

Why it was said

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, gives this definition in Never Split the Difference while explaining the approach the book is built on. He separates it from sympathy: understanding a counterpart's perspective does not mean agreeing with it.

What it actually means

Voss treats empathy as a skill used on purpose, not a feeling you either have or lack. The definition has two parts. The first is reading what the other side feels right now; the second is hearing what drives that feeling, the fear, pressure or need underneath. Both serve the same goal: once people feel understood, they relax, talk more and reveal the information a deal depends on. 'Tactical' is candid about the aim, which is influence; the method works because the understanding is real.

How to use it

1. 1In your next difficult conversation, name the emotion you hear before you make your point, for example: 'It sounds like this deadline is putting you under real pressure.'
2. 2After the other side states a position, ask one question about what lies behind it before you respond.
3. 3Summarise their view until they say 'That's right', then make your proposal.