Quote
“Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.”
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, in Nonviolent Communication (1999) · Nonviolent Communication →
Why it was said
Rosenberg opens his chapter on receiving empathically with this definition. He goes on to say that we often feel a strong urge to give advice or reassurance or to explain our own position, and that empathy asks us instead to empty the mind and listen with our whole being.
What it actually means
The definition rules out most of what we offer when someone tells us about a problem: advice, consolation, our own story, a correction. Each of these moves the attention back to us. Rosenberg asks for something harder: staying with the other person's experience until they feel understood, and listening for the observations, feelings, needs and requests beneath their words. 'Respectful' is the key word. It means trusting that, once heard, the other person can work out their own answer.
How to use it
- 1The next time someone brings you a problem, hold back advice until you have reflected back what they feel and need.
- 2Ask 'Is there more?' before you respond, and wait for the answer.
- 3Notice your urge to reassure or fix, and name it to yourself instead of acting on it.