“Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.”

Why it was said

Marshall Rosenberg makes this point in Nonviolent Communication while discussing needs, the third component of his method. He argues that when we criticise or label someone, we are usually expressing, in a roundabout and unhelpful way, something we need and are not getting.

What it actually means

'You are so inconsiderate' sounds like a statement about the other person, but Rosenberg reads it as a statement about the speaker: a need for consideration, rest or respect that has gone unmet. Delivered as a judgment, the need is almost never met, because the listener hears an attack and defends. Expressed directly, as in 'I need to know in advance when plans change', it gives the other person something they can actually do. The line turns criticism, including the kind we aim at ourselves, into information about needs.

How to use it

1. 1The next time you catch yourself labelling someone, finish the sentence 'What I need here is…' before you speak.
2. 2Rewrite one recent complaint of yours as a need and a specific request.
3. 3When someone judges you, ask yourself what need of theirs might lie behind it before you defend yourself.